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I spend too much money on food to afford any diet program...
I hit a new low today and used a cheat code on Wii Fit
I wish, just once, I could actually hit the pedestrian crossing the road slow with the "what`re gonna do, hit me" look on their face.
Why do they waste so much money on all the checkout lanes at Walmart, when they only have two of them open at any given time.
Having kids is like being at a press conference: "No, you can`t put the dog in the washer - next question." "No, you can`t really fly -next"
"Rise and shine” is probably the most depressing thing a shoeshiner hears in the morning.
Show me, on this cat calendar, how long it`s been since you`ve had a date?
Wife: Hi honey, did you miss me? Husband: With every bullet so far...
Not sure what my spirit animal is, but I am sure it has rabies
Spring cleaning: The term that gives us an excuse to only clean once a year.
"We attack at dawn!" - Hangovers
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don`t have to shovel snow this weekend.
It`s funny how many people I have in my phones contact list who all have the same name Do Not Answer.
So who the hell ever buys the middle grade of gasoline?
Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be totally impossible!