Daily Silly Status

If I’ve offended you, please accept my apology. Then smack yourself in the face for getting offended by something on the Internet.

I`m hosting a wine tasting event in my home. Well, it`s not really an event. It`s just me and three bottles of wine. No one else is invited.

Buying new Nikes, call that soul searching

Be honest, you haven’t even walked a mile in your own shoes.

Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I`m looking for the thumbs-down button.

Nothing says you are ugly like Facebook asking ``Are you sure you want to make this your profile picture?``

I hate that part of the morning where I have to get out of bed and participate in real life.

I went to the doctor for a check up and he says I`m going to live. But I think he`s wrong and it`s just a matter of time.

I only use elevators for one thing. Surprise group hugs

In reference to why men can sleep with lots a women and it’s fine, but women can’t sleep with lots of men or else they’re whores. “If a key opens a lot of locks, it’s a master key. But if a lock is opened by a lot of different keys, it’s just a sh!tty lock.”

May your life someday be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.

When you turn 21, you can legally do all the things you`ve been doing since you were 15.

I`m super lazy today. Which is like normal lazy but I`m also wearing a cape.

Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.

I get butterflies in my stomach every time I eat butterflies.