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It`s nice to know I`m wanted....even if it`s only by the Police!
I sometimes goto Starbucks for coffee and tell them my name is Bueller ... Then leave before my coffe is ready
If you really want to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
When people say they did something "like a boss" I just picture them doing it fatter and with less hair
It’s a good thing the fate of mankind doesn’t depend on me turning on the correct stove-top burner on my first try.
Sorry, I just saw your text from last night. Are you guys still at the restaurant?
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
My give a damn is busted! Parts on backorder....
That awkward moment when you open a fortune cookie and all you get is some vague, cryptic statement that`s not even a fortune.
All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or married.
I’m no Dr. Phil, but I bet if you tell at least 5 people to f*ck off today, you’ll feel better.
A piñata is NOT a good idea for a Halloween costume.
True love is biting a slice of pizza when you`re fully aware that it will burn the roof of your mouth.
I`m smiling, that alone should scare you.
is wondering if the hokey pokey is really what it´s all about