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Violently swerving your car will not throw a spider off the window. Doesn`t work like it does with humans. Just in case you need to know.
If you’re gonna flip out on your Facebook, don’t delete it all the next day. Some of us still want to share your meltdown with our friends.
I put my phone on airplane mode, and it dragged me out of my seat.
Marriage is like playing Monopoly. It starts out as fun, gets a little boring, then someone steals money from the bank and no one ever wins.
Tonight, I`m bringing Sexy back! I just hope I don`t need a receipt...
Diet plan: make friends fatter
Weird that we don`t see more pants on fire
My life is much more fun and interesting when I`m single... Problem is I can`t remember any of it.
Does this couch I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?
If lemons hand you life, you’re probably dyslexic
The girl at the Taco Bell drive thru gave me this “I know your high” look. I snatched my 37 crunchy tacos and got out of there.
I saw a comedian one time who did nothing but make geography puns. talk abbottabad act.
I won employee of the month!!!…. again! I love being self employed.
Do a little dance... Drink a lot of rum... Fall down tonight...
Cactuses are just heavily armed cucumbers.