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Nothing says you`re ugly like Facebook asking, "are you sure you want to make this your profile picture ?"
My face is a 4, my personality is a 6, so basically, I`m a 10.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I`m sure someday it will.
You have got to have worse hand-eye coordination than a lama on crack
Let’s all take a moment and be thankful spiders can’t fly.
The doctors say im going to be ok. I must warn you the dyson ball cleaner has a very misleading name.
The overspray from my windshield washer fluid just totaled a smart car.
Fellas.....the girl on the flyer is never at the club
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza
All shoes are technically buy one get one free...
Remember ... I can always make it look like an accident.
We`ll be friends `til we`re old and senile ... Then we`ll be new friends.
Most of happiness just comes from staying away from idiots.
Either I wrote a bunch of drunken Facebook status updates last night, or my dog has finally figured out the computer.
I test drove a car last month. Apparently, you`re not supposed to keep the car for a month. At least that what this cop is telling me.