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Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children,,, old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Of course I’ll buy a polished rock made into a necklace. I’m on vacation, aren’t I?
My identity was stolen. I hope they do a better job with my life than I did!
I love my six-pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
I`m not lazy, I`m in energy saving mode.
The awkward moment when you set something down for a second and it disappears off the face of the earth.
I was going to do some spring cleaning, but the snow has ruined it for me.
She deleted and blocked me so I guess you can say we`re taking it slow now.
I like it here because not only do I get to air out my dirty laundry, I get to see yours too.
According to my current parking spot, I`m Chief of Police.
Have you ever noticed that the & symbol looks like a guy dragging his butt across the floor?
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought "Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness" was inappropriate.
We`re like hot chocolate and marshmallows. You`re hot, and I wanna be on top of you.
"Please take a seat" was a bad introduction for a Kleptomaniacs` Anonymous meeting.
Sometimes, I think I`m a genius. Then I realize I`ve already seen this episode of Jeopardy.