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You`d think the nerds on The Big Bang could fix that stupid elevator.
When pornstars get up to speak in front of a large group, do they picture people with their clothes on?
Not sure if my dog is barking for no reason or I’m about to be murdered.
Sometimes I think, "Screw this, I will just be a stripper." Then I remember I am fat and I can`t dance.
Don`t judge. Maybe I`m conducting a study of the effects of prolonged laziness on a human body. You don`t know.
A golden rule to live by: Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics!
I have never been guilty of taking the smaller pizza slice.
If you stand by the sea, it sounds like putting a shell to your ear.
Do whatever you want, and if it`s something you`re going to regret in the morning, sleep late.
FACT: How kids feel about snow days is the exact opposite of how parents feel about snow days.
that awkward moment when a bug or fly lands on your computer screen in your first reaction is to scare it away with the cursor.
Can anyone tell me how to become a illegal immigrant, their benefits are undeniably more superior to our own.
It`s a bird.. it`s a plane..no wait..it`s a blade of grass....
My girlfriend isn`t much of a wrestler but you should see her box!!
*calling pizza place* "Hello?" Your pizza tastes like cardboard "Are you sure you`re not eating the box again?" *long pause* *click*