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"I`d hit that" -old people who drive
I carry a knife, but it’s just in case of cake.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on the internet right now.
Showed my daughter an MRE. The package said "Peelable Seal". She said I`m not eating no seal.
I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get...well you know...Oreos.
I`m now at the age where if I see a nice nursing home, I make a mental note of it.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
99% of people in this world are stupid. Luckily I`m part of the other 5%.
None of my friends laugh at any of my jokes because cats can only meow.
Today I am thankful that I don`t post what I am thankful for on Facebook, every day in November. Or ever.
What is an Amish girls favourite fantasy? Two Mennonite
I`m a little ticked off, I checked a book about surgery out of the library and when I opened it up I found that someone had taken the appendix out
So apparently, all you can eat buffets do not include the waitresses...
I was really pissed at my girlfriend for not calling me all day. Then I remembered she`s imaginary. So I`m good.
If they gave out awards for laziness, I would have to send somebody to accept it for me.