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I was pretty sure that at this point in my career I would have henchmen by now!
If it hurts when you pee, urine trouble.
True love doesn`t care about the look or size of your wallet, it`s all about what`s inside ..... the wallet.
At the end of the day, life should ask us, ‘Do you want to save the changes?’
A yawn is a silent scream for coffee!
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says "Recalculating"?
If ignorance really was bliss we`d have a lot more really happy people around here.
Decisions decisions ... Guess I`ll drink on it.
Keychains were invented so that you can lose all of your keys at once.
I`d like to thank (you know who) for the (you know what) I`ll talk to you later (you know where) and if I don`t (you know why).
I eat tacos over a tortilla so that way when stuff falls out Boom another taco.
Love is a two way street but you have to be careful because women can’t drive.
I don`t need an excuse to drink, but thank you for giving me one.
Don`t you just love it when you see someone who is photogenic, looks perfect in every picture but then when you see them in person you`re like EURGH God Damn! What happened to you in the last 24h!
I spend my weekends farting in libraries and then shushing people that complain.