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For all those girls that say `all guys are the same` ... Who told you to try them all? Hoe.
I don`t mind my long commute, I just hate that it always brings me to work.
If anyone has ever told you that you snore, just know that person has very carefully weighed the pros and cons of letting you live.
I got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks ... to the alligators.
I forgive and forget, because I have a good heart, and a terrible memory.
Sometimes, when people are talking to me, I daydream about what they would do if I suddenly punched them in the face.
Anyone who wastes my time is a clocksucker.
Teacher: Why are you late!? Me: There was a man who lost a $100 bill..Teacher: That’s nice. Were you helping him look for it? Me: No, I was standing on it until he f*cked off.
Breaking news: Newt saw his shadow. Six more weeks of campaigning and attack ads.
30 seconds left on the microwave ~ Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone ~ Men: do the space shuttle countdown
It would be funny if the husband is actually sleeping with the Jake from state Farm.
If I’ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die.
Ok a$$hole, just go around me. I`m already doing 30 over the limit, I`m not speeding up. Stupid car with your stupid flashing lights
"Hey bro shotgun this beer" No I don`t drink "You wanna be cool don`t you?" I don`t drink "C`mon NERD!" Grandma PLEASE stop
No one texts faster than a gossiping woman.