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The part of “no” that I don’t understand is the part where I don’t get what I want.
You drink too much, swear too much and your morals are questionable. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a friend.
I told the monster in my closet that coming out of there would make him gay. Ha!!,,That solves that problem.
The ultimate act of trust is buying your spouse a gun, and then showing them the correct way to use it.
thinks my life is becoming a very complicated drinking game.
Hello customer service, I ate two happy meals and I’m still not happy
Well...today is the day. Just gotta build up the nerve to tell my dog she is adopted.
How will you survive a zombie apocalypse if you scream & run when you see a spider?
I wish more events in life involved dumping a cooler full of Gatorade on people.
They say that when one door closes, another one opens. Apparently, "they" have never been to jail.
Early reports indicate I`m gonna be drunk all weekend.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
If I ever start a band, I`m going to call it The Voices in My Head. Think of all the fun ways you can tell other people what you`re listening to...
Drinking Tip: Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
Most days I think I understand women, but then the alcohol wears off.