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I`m at my most judgmental when standing behind someone in a buffet line.
I think the only way I’ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I’m in prison.
...and this right here son is called pornography, and it`s why they invented the internet.
If you’re gonna flip out on your Facebook, don’t delete it all the next day. Some of us still want to share your meltdown with our friends.
I do what I want, when I want, where I want. If my wife says it`s okay.
Acting like a mature adult is super easy if you hate having fun.
"My place is a mess" - Every girl, ever.... "Well in that case, I`m not coming in" - No guy, ever
The only charities I`ve donated money too recently are covered in glitter and dance to bad music.
F is for friends who do stuff without you.
What scares me most is that some people think I actually know what I’m doing.
One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening
On demand sucks. Hoarders made me fill up the dumpster and clean the house. Now I want to collect coupons and go to the pawn shop....
I use my imagination to solve problems. And by imagination, I mean booze.
I think germs are so nice for waiting 5 seconds before attacking food that falls on the floor.