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I may not be the best looking, wittiest, smartest or even the most successful person. I forget where I was going with this...
If I’ve offended you, please accept my apology. Then smack yourself in the face for getting offended by something on the Internet.
These ramen noodles taste like payday is next Friday.
My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me.
My advice for pretty much anything that`s broken is "did you try and jiggle it?".
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
Sometimes I think I`m a relatively smart person. Other times I put my shoes on before my pants and realize who I really am.
Life is Hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.
Things that make women emotional- 1) sad movies 2) love stories 3) anything 4) everything
When someone tells me I`m going to hell, I`m like "yeah, duh, I work there part time as a tour guide!"
your status deserves a standing ovation but I`m lazy I`ll just click `like`
Announcement: .. the Time Travelers Meeting scheduled for today will be held last Thursday
The worst part of Aquaman`s day has to be, when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
I don`t get nearly enough credit for managing not to be a violent psychopath
Step 1 Change your wifi password to blowmefirst. Step 2 Wait for someone to ask for your wifi password.