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They call themselves independent women until furniture needs to be moved
I just gave my ex a big hug which can only mean one thing. That`s right I have the flu and I love sharing.
You guys ever trip out on the fact that Indian people eat Indian food for breakfast?
Don’t worry I won’t tell anyone.. and if I do, I’ll tell them not to tell anyone.
I hate that they put "use by" dates on condoms... like I`m not under enough pressure trying to get laid already.
Shout out to weathermen telling us the barometric pressure like we know what the hell to do with that information.
If animals spoke our language we`d be in their debt because they`d have some seriously incriminating dirt on all of us.
*uses Ouija board* NEW PHONE WHO DIS
I think my smart phone is making fun of me behind my back.
Finally got my sh!t together... Now if I can just remember where I put it
Still haven`t cashed in my winning megamillions ticket...scared the $6 will make my friends treat me different.
I don`t think stupid people understand how much effort goes into not punching them in the face
Why can`t life be as easy as I am?
The first rule of elevator club is don`t talk to other members of elevator club.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I`d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.