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The bible says you can`t buy your way into heaven but there isn`t a church in the country that won`t encourage you to try.
That logical moment when you`re watching Home Alone 2 wondering how child services haven`t taken him away from his parents yet.
My RSVP : I`ll be attending your wedding alone but consuming enough cake and alcohol for at least two.
I really hate it when someone else creates something that I haven`t had the chance to think of first...
Million Dollar Idea: Hire a bunch of people with OCD and start a cleaning company.
For the record when I was a kid I never wanted to be an adult.
I grew up for this?
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
From now on, I will be replacing the word `sh*t` with `sugar` in my facebook statuses, so that I don`t come across as being so f*cking vulgar all the time.
Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face.
Dear Rebecca Black, you are the most beautiful And prettiest girl in the world. Don`t let the haters get you down. P.S Forgot to mention today`s opposite day.
The roof of the McDonalds in my town has 38 Pickle slices on it from times I ordered sh!t without pickles in it.
Your trophy wife is more of a participation trophy wife, isn`t she?
I pretty much spend all day, every day, just looking forward to going back to sleep.