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The problem with the rest of the world is that they are always 5 drinks behind.
I`m going to buy a new dictionary. After watching Final Destination 5, I clearly don`t understand the meaning of Final.
For your anniversary, if your wife asks for something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds...don`t get her a bathroom scale. Just sayin"
Think you`re going crazy? When you get there, look for me and I`ll show you around.
It’s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you`ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you.
I wonder what happens when a doctor’s wife eats an apple a day.
If Santa doesn`t bring me something good I`m going to pee in his lap like I did when I was eight.
I like to follow random families around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all their photos.
When you "pretend speak" to someone in the background while ordering takeout so that the restaurant doesn`t judge your big order for one.
I wish that some of my coworkers were not allowed in the break room because those are the people I need a break from.
If pigs really could fly I bet their wings would taste delicious.
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment.
Sometimes, when dealing with people, you can`t help but stop and think, "Yup, I`m about to get my first assault charge."
I am not lazy, I`m on power saving mode