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"I like tube tops too, but even tires have pressure limits!
I`m like the stink in your feet.....I will always be with you.
What kind of paperwork do I need to fill out to get a permit to set my children free in the wild?
Insanity means never having to say “I’m Guilty”.
" I don`t watch much tv" proudly says a person who spend 8 hours a day on the internet.
Why do the people with the most annoying voices always appear to have the worst case of verbal diarrheal??!!
superbowl: the only time I actually look forward to watching commericals.
I’m late for a disappointment.
No one is as ugly as their driver`s license, and nobody is attractive as their profile picture.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I`ll have to turn to Facebook.
I learned two important lessons today. I can`t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
When you say "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans." All I hear is "there`s a bear out there that knows how to use matches."
Whew, good thing there`s a facebook petition for ending the shutdown, or else we`d be in real trouble.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
One night, as I as lying in bed, I looked up at the stars and thought to myself: "What the f#ck happened to the roof?"