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The speed at which I can prepare food during a commercial break is amazing.
I don’t like people who can’t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders
I made a New Years Resolution to gain 20 lbs, so I can relish in the sense of accomplishment and success!
Two of the most honest people in the world; drunk people and little kids
I’ve never pretended to be anything I’m not…except for sober. I’ve pretended to be sober a few times.
Patience is what I have when there are too many witnesses.
Sometimes I`ll go out in public and socialize with people, those times are called alibis.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
There’s no worse feeling than realizing your wife has fallen asleep & you’ve spent the last 20 minutes watching Real Housewives by yourself.
If I drove a UPS truck there’s a 100% chance I would fall out of the truck when I turned corners.
You’d think my password was “yourmom” because my computer just told me it was too easy.
My blood hound was just attacked by a Crip hound.
Some people you know was dropped on their heads as babies. Some were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall and fell out the window.
I`ll be busy tonight taking my girlfriend out to dinner and then having sex all night. Is what I`d be saying if I had money ... or a girlfriend