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Watching a funny movie after watching a scary one too try to reduce the risk of nightmares.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
If you watch the Twilight movies backwards, Kristen Stewart still can`t act.
My new years resolution was to lose 30 lbs by the end of summer... I`ve only got 40 lbs to go.
There’s a good reason I’m up this late: because I have to wake up really early.
Instead of the John, I call my bathroom the Jim...that way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim every morning.
MAY` contain nudity? Either it does or it doesn`t. DON`T WASTE MY TIME
Do they have to play movies so loud at the theatre? I litterally have to scream into my phone.
I have hit the age where sex and choosing the exact right size Tupperware for leftovers are equally satisfying...
If you wake up with a funny taste in your mouth on christmas morning...............just remember that santa only cums once a year. :D
GF - What`s that beeping? Me - Fasten Seatbelt Alarm. GF - How can you ignore something so annoying? Me - Huh?
Saw a wasp in a spider web and I don`t know who to root for.
Sorry I said "nice phone" when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Honking your horn is fun but rolling down your window and screaming “honk” at people is just way more satisfying.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.