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I don’t like being told what to do…unless I’m naked.
I saved my husband`s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Some days your the bug; some days your the windshield.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there`s a cop hiding in the bushes
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Sometimes I wonder if that kid in the Dreamworks logo has caught the fish yet.
Hey Journey, I stopped believing. What now?
Maybe there`s no such thing as automatic doors, just gentlemen ninjas.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people
"Goodbye, everyone. I`ll remember you all in therapy." -Me, leaving a family reunion.
Inspiration: nobody else knows what the hell they’re doing either.
If you don`t take 500 selfies a day, do you even love yourself?
I know my limits. I don’t pay any attention to them, but I know them.
I failed my driver`s test. For the question "What do you do at a Red Light?" I said "Text and check Facebook."
I never drink unless I am alone or with somebody.