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There`s nothing as wonderful as waking up in the morning next to a gorgeous smiling face. So I keep a mirror next to my bed.
Sorry I`m late, the floor was lava
my ex girlfriends started they`re own website they call it two faced book...
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Why does the alphabet need to be in order anyway
In my defense, your honor, he had the keyboard clicking sound on his phone turned on
Don`t ask me stupid questions and I won`t hurt your stupid feelings.
I’m supporting our troops today by going commando.
I`m not a gamer, but I can be as lazy as one.
I`ve never gone to bed with an ugly woman. Woken up to a whole bunch of them though.
I wish I had the kind of life my spam folder thinks I have!
There’s a police helicopter above my house right now, so I’m cashing in and calling everyone who has ever said “when pigs fly.”
Taken names of employees from various stores and calling in sick for them, just to make it feel like I have a job. . .
If it was not for electricity, we would all be watching T.V. by candle light.
Apparently telling the airline stewardess that airplane food is "da bomb dat hijacked my tastebuds" is not considered a compliment......