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If there is no chocolate in heaven...I AM NOT GOING!
Last night I saw a documentary about beavers. Best dam show I ever watched.
For those who do not know what ADHD can do to a person, let me expla.....oooh look i got a text message.
You can always tell the guys that masturbate a lot by looking at their hands. If you look close enough you can see their wedding ring.
Chapstick is an entire industry based on you losing the product and buying more.
I thought an emu was when you sent someone a cow via cyber mail.
Relationships are like just-out-of-the-oven pizza. You know it`s going to burn you, but it looks so good and maybe this time it won`t?
I inherited my dad`s sense of humor. He`s not funny either.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
My new voicemail: “If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me.”
Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for "Race," I add a question mark and then write, "Anytime. Anywhere."
"nice crocs. where did you get them?" - nobody ever
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world...
Nobody expects you to post brilliance. Just be yourself, with the occasional intent of bringing shame to your entire family.
What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"?