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What idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Some people wouldn`t understand irony if it beat them over the head with a helmet.
More often than not, the excitement of a Facebook friend request dies upon discovering who it is.
If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders
I do not gossip ... I pass things along ... It`s like a public service.
Nothing is more discouraging that unappreciated sarcasm.
Just because you have a beard doesn`t mean you`re a man. Last time I checked vaginas can grow hair too.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside
It might look like I`m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I`m quite busy.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestle Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I`m exhausted.
If the shoe fits . . . buy one in every color
I used to play sports. Then realized you can buy trophies. Now I´m good at everything.
Sometimes I meet people and feel sorry for their dog.
People keep thinking that I care ... Wierd.
I just don`t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift