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For Halloween I`m going as an invisible person. I will be at all your parties.
Sorry I`m late... I accidentally pulled the chain on the ceiling fan one too many times for like 9 hours straight.
My wife even says "NO" in her sleep. The force is strong with this one.
Some of my ideas are about as profitable as selling YOLO T-Shirts at a Reincarnation seminar
Stop complaining about being single on Valentine`s Day. We have bigger problems in this world. Like why McDonald`s doesn`t serve breakfast after 10.30
Anyone want to come over and watch porn on my new flat screen mirrior?
I just got a paper cut opening a box of Pop Tarts. There will be no more fancy breakfasts around here.
Roses are red, Violets are blue... Sunflowers are yellow. I bet you thought this would be something sweet and charming, but it`s just some garden facts.
"Well that can`t be right." - dogs watching us catching balls with our hands
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it`s only Tuesday
I just took the "What Kind of Asshole are You?" quiz and got "The kind that posts my results on Facebook".
I`m not anti-social I`m just pro leave me the f*ck alone.
I wish tanning beds could pop you out like a toaster when you`re finished.
Keep it up and I`ll make sure u end up on a milk carton.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.