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Didn’t Selfie Sticks used to be called Friends?
Nothing says "My balls are kept in a jar inside her purse" quite like a joint Facebook account
I`ve noticed more and more little kids with cell phones and social networks. What does a kindergartner have to tweet about? "I`m getting better at drawing in the lines!" #cantwaitforstorytime
Gentlemen may not be extinct, but they are definitely endangered
Last year in college football Alabama beat Arkansas, Tennessee, and Auburn. Those teams coaches all resigned. Any chance of Alabama playing agsinst the White House this year?
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
It`s such a cold winter this year that the squirrels are collecting more nuts than usual. So far 3 of my neighbors have disappeared...
Sometimes it’s just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers.
The word "Saturday" has "turd" in it. Good luck trying to ignore that for the rest of your life, starting now.
Opinions are like a$$holes: some people make money by posting them on the internet.
It`s hard to write a good drinking song. I can never make it past the first few bars.
If sex between 3 people is called a Threesome and sex between 2 people is called a Twosome... Why is Handsome still a compliment?
If by "crunches" you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
I would want to change my name to `Nobody` on Facebook. So when someone updates something stupid it says `Nobody likes this`