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The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
My internet addiction is getting alt of ctl.
Lazy is a very strong word, I like to call it “selective participation.”
Twerking is just shaking your a$$? Why did we need a new word? A$$-shaking has served us well for centuries.
Ladies, how do I work my man boobs and get out of a ticket? Quick, she`s coming.
I wish I drove a Volkswagen bug. It would be cool to know that every time I drove by a school bus, some kid was getting punched.
And then I was all: “I’m really getting sick of your shit, bitch.” And then she was all: “To speak with a representative please press 7.”
your status deserves a standing ovation but I`m lazy I`ll just click `like`
A smart man washes his hands after he pees. A wise man doesn`t pee on his fingers.
I know I am an acquired taste. If you don`t like me, you need to acquire some taste. Or go f*ck yourself. Whichever.
If you boil a clown, do you get laughing stock?
Bicyclists, it`s one thing to hog the road, but it`s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Just ate a sleeve of crackers on my wife`s side of the bed.. I`ll let you know...
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
It’s not my fault God gave you boobs to stare at.