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Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right? Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Wow!!, What a day..I volunteered at a soup kitchen, mowed my lawn, went to 2 Birthday parties, ran 6 miles, then told a bunch of lies on Facebook.
I feel like there should be more breakfast beers on the market.
You`ve got to love yourself. But not in public places.
They`ve got this brand new machine at the gym. I only used it for about an hour because I started to feel sick, but it`s awesome - it`s got Mars Bars, KitKat Chunkys, Cheetos, crisps.... everything!
My secret fantasy is to have two women at the same time, one cooking and one cleaning.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
The irony of all this is, the internet was created to save us time...
Do feminists look under their beds for the boogie woman?
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were texting all night with a calculator.
Happy 4/21! National work drug testing day!
Hey NSA... I accidentally deleted an email... Can I get you to forward me your copy?
Most people who think I`m a nice person have no idea that I`d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think "look at all these poor people who don`t know Netflix exists."
Masturbating in front of your partner in the hope that she’ll join does not always work. And people on the bus stare at you.