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How come know-it-alls, don`t know how annoying they are?
I hate when I accidentally say "I love you" instead of "I`m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you and I`m temporarily delusional."
Be the reason someone smiles today. Or the reason they drink. You choose your own adventure.
For daylight savings, we should move the clocks forward an hour on Monday at 9 AM so that we lose an hour of work instead of sleep.
"This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall." - Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Oh, I have an idea!!..oh wait, no I don`t
Pac-Man taught me that you can eat ghosts if you take enough pills.
Law enforcement`s cracking down on texting while driving, but there`s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Why do they call it "hiring a hitman" and not "ordering takeout"
My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are at things, but I laugh more.
Stress balls work best when you shove them down somebody`s throat.
"Goodbye, everyone. I`ll remember you all in therapy." -Me, leaving a family reunion.
I think my “check engine” light has finally burned out. So that’s good.
Its so cold out, I actually saw a gangsta with his pants UP!
Two things everybody wants: 1) Lose weight. 2) Eat.