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Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you! Me: I know. I was winning.
" a fool and his money ----- are never around when you need a loan......"
Woah.. the room is spinning.. I knew the world revolved around me.. ;)
I used to be a class act......or clown,as my 7th grade teacher would tell my parents!!
I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where the f*ck is my remote?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch dumbass."
I would die if I had to stop exaggerating.
I think I like mornings best when they start in the afternoon.
If I was a cab driver I`d yell "ROAD TRIP" every time I got a passenger
Often think if I`d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos
My predictive text dictionary doesn’t have “tsunami”, so if you ever get a text from me that says “trumang” start running.
I wonder if New York people find it weird to watch their own city being destroyed in Hollywood movies so many times..!!
Our parents did the same sh!t too, they`re just liars.
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.