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When I try to fold fitted sheets it looks like I’m in an infomercial that’s exaggerating how difficult it is to fold fitted sheets.
The worst thing about that guy who posts non-stop gym updates is that all that exercise is gonna make him live longer.
I’ll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.
Nobody’s phone is ever off. They’re lying.
Don`t ever, ever EVER!!! Touch a crazy man`s food!!! I will STAB YOU WITH A SPOON!
You know the road is in bad shape when you drive to the grocery store and your fitbit registers 1,000 steps.
Searching Netflix is almost more of an activity than watching a movie on Netflix.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I`d highly recommend Fight Club.
I now have permanent vision loss due to excessive eye-rolling at stupid idiots.
Half of life is screwing up…the other half is dealing with it.
I want to know what horrific ideas were rejected before they decided "Vagisil" was the best possible brand name?
I plan on being up really late tonight making voodoo dolls for, well, never mind, you will know who you are soon enough.
Pumpkin for sale! [slightly used]
I hate it when old people poke you at weddings and say you`re next. So I`ve started poking them at funerals
Women say childbirth is the most painful thing... obviously they have never stepped on a Lego.