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I hope I’m the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
I try to avoid nice people, so they can stay that way.
My neighbor`s are going out of town for the weekend so I finally have the house to myself.
Is it wrong to tell a knock knock joke to a homeless person ?
Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: “skeletal remains,” “dumpster,” “almost beyond recognition,” “dental records” and “shallow grave.”
Friends are like snowflakes.... if you pee on them they disappear.
My hand is stuck in a Pringles can. I`ll just leave it there. I`m not hiding who I am anymore.
Make sure your goals are unattainable so you`ll feel a little better about giving up later
May you live to be so old that your driving terrifies people.
I enjoy going to costume parties that have a theme. ..."Nude Beach" is my personal favorite.
Any time you feel lonely, remember, its your fault nobody likes you.
u cant spell awesome without me
That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow.
I may be wrong, but I doubt it.
My entire working knowledge of automotive repair is derived from the song "The Wheels on the Bus"