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I`m 99.9% certain that every time a sock goes missing in the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid
I bought a used UPS truck. It gets bad gas mileage but I can park anywhere.
Your duty as a friend is to LIKE my Facebook posts even if they suck.
Why doesn’t McDonalds have an order taking microphone on both sides of the car, yet?
I don`t know what is longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
The cool thing about The Clapper is it doubles as a strobe light during s@x.
It`s not paranoia if they really are out to get you.
If everybody was consistently as determined as they are when they carry all groceries in one trip, this world would be in a better place.
Behind that fat girl is a beautiful woman...No seriously, she`s in the way.
that awkward moment when a bug or fly lands on your computer screen in your first reaction is to scare it away with the cursor.
This is 2016. How come I can`t email someone a fart when I feel like it?
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance… The five stages of waking up.
I wish "You idiot" was an appropriate way to end a work email.
People who say you can´t buy happiness just don´t know where to shop.
I could scroll down my Facebook page and write a country song!!