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Days are short in December but spending them with family really stretches them out.
As a community service, I send random inmates letters how my life is going to cheer them up.
"I can`t wait to nail you later" *whispers to the new picture I just bought*
I lost a very close friend and drinking partner last week. He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.
I found out that middle age is were you finally get your head together and then your body starts falling apart
I used to have a life. Then some idiot came along and said "Why don’t you make a Facebook account? It`s fun".
When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.
People who say, “Happy New Year” to you on the 4th of January are not really your friends.
Roses are red. Monsters are green. Just look in the mirror. You`ll know what I mean.
Hillybilly Word Of The Day.."Twerk"..."Welp, I`m done with lunch so I`d better get back twerk!"
Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock is broken and I`m wide awake. Not sure who won.
I don`t need drugs to have a good time, I need them to focus, avoid depression, endure winter, fall asleep, and controll my high blood pressure
Word for today: Dipshidiot
I really don`t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she`s at least 18.
In Canada, she`s Kilometery Cyrus.