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Cauliflower is just broccoli ghosts.
Definition: Brain - Your body`s hardest working organ. It works 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, from birth until you...fall in love.
The most annoying are those people in great shape at the gym…. I’m like, “What are you doing here? You’re done.”
*Me washing my car* Person: Hey what’s up? Washing your car? Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I`m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don`t want to hang out with you now but I`m still proud...
From now on when skinny girls say they`re fat I`m just gonna be like, "Yup" & walk away.
I know it`s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you`re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Men think they have it bad, but they`re not the ones having to hold their boobs when they run.
If adult diapers are called Depends, then baby diapers should be called Definitely!!
"Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it, I better call the police!" - literally no one ever
I cannot turn water into wine but, I can turn ice cream into breakfast so that’s pretty neat.
What if oxygen makes our voice really deep, and Helium just brings it back to normal?
Bartenders are basically professionals that we hire to poison us very slowly in creative ways.
Every so often you come across a person who always smiles no matter what, that person is the reason why random bitch slaps should be a thing