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My wife is pissed at me again. Apparently I`m breathing wrong.
I thought Row vs. Wade was Washington`s decision when he reached the Delaware.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting...
To be honest with you, I start all my lies with to be honest with you.
75% of my day consists of looking at the clock and not believing it
I`m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they`ve won the Canadian lottery.
What is Warm, Soft, Sticky and has a Hole in the middle? It`s a Fresh donut. I was way off on that one!
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority.
Currently under the influence of cold and flu medicine...my actions can not be held against me!
Decided to cut back on my beer drinking. Fortunately, this martini is helping me through this tough time.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Its so hot I used my blow dryer as a cooling fan!
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Never look directly at the people having a sizzling plate of fajitas delivered to their table... It’s what they want.
Meaningless statistics are up 17% today