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Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing, but it cost a fortune in stamps.
I miss the days when minding your own business was a thing.
If I could turn invisible I’d go to Paris and beat up a performing street mime… The amount of applause he’d get would be amazing!
The guy below me obviously doesn`t know that R2-D2 is in movies, not television
I got this new calorie counting app ... Every day I go for a new high score ... Winning!
I drank an energy drink so if anyone needs help packing, pushing your car to a gas station or shaking the leaves off a tree
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
You should never lie through your teeth. Open your mouth and speak properly.
If you think I wrote this status update in the nude, you`re wrong. I`m wearing a sombrero and a candy necklace.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It`s like they don`t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Always believe a woman when she says: “You don`t want to know!”
I never met a teenager driving a luxury car that I didn’t hate.
The key to a woman`s heart is making her laugh...just make sure she`s not laughing at the size of your junk.
I hope when the machines take over the world they start by fixing my cable.
Is it sexual harasment to say ho ho ho to a female coworker?