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A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
To be Frank, I`ll have to change my name.
Don`t forget to get offended today by some retarded sh!t that has absolutely no bearing on your life whatsoever.
I love you in a bipolar way because I hate you.
Guess what I saw today? ... Everything I looked at.
In a perfect world Taco Bell would deliver...
Arguing over a girl`s bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Coors or Budweiser -- Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
I`m no auto mechanic but I`m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Sooooo, ..a friend of mine was watching my dog lick herself in a certain area. Out of nowhere he says, "I wish I could do that." ...I said, "Go ahead, but she might bite."...
Did you know , that if you use asterisk , you can do anything you want ? * gets on a t-rex and gallops away into the sunset *
School was so much easier when 2 plus 2 equaled 4 instead of "X." Whoever decided to involve the alphabet in math deserves a solid punch to the face.
I know I am an acquired taste. If you don`t like me, you need to acquire some taste. Or go f*ck yourself. Whichever.
Disneyland. The world’s biggest people trap, built by a mouse.
I felt really mischievous earlier so I bought a McDonalds and ate it at a KFC