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If you think this status is funny someone you hate will step on a lego.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
The human soul weights 1.2 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
I wrote a song about a tortilla actually its more of a wrap.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
I pretend I’m taking an important call and use big words when old people walk by so they’ll think the future is in good hands.
Because of tanning beds, 1000 years from now archaeologists will think we used to fry people as punishment.
I love it when the person’s laugh is funnier than the actual joke.
My life is the intersection between having too much caffeine and constantly yawning.
Woke up to gun shots this morning. Luckily my wife has horrible aim.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I`d go on a road trip with my mom.
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why I fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again.
My mum`s so old fashioned she thinks LOL = Lots of love. She sent me an SMS saying just to let you know you`re Pa`s in hospital LOL.