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Man, this Trojan gum I bought tastes terrible ... Blows amazing bubbles though
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
If you think you’ve hit rock bottom, the only thing that can cheer you up is bringing somebody else down with you.
Heard the local weatherman say, "high in the thirties" & now I know the title to my autobiography.
why are the foods you want eat late at night in loud crackling wrappers?
What about a To-Don`t List?
I would die if I had to stop exaggerating.
The fastest way to get someone to call you back is to take a shower.
I live in constant fear that someone will kidnap my mother in law who lives all alone at 48 W Main St, bldg C, Apt 32 on the 3rd floor.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket .. I´d miss you alot and think of you often.
I told my wife that I have a sexual satisfaction guarantee policy. If you`re not completely satisfied, we`ll just do it all over again. Guaranteed.
Oh, you fell in love?! I fell in my bathtub.
I`m so hungry I could eat without looking down at my phone.
I`m glad the Eclipse is over so I can go back to staring directly into the sun.
It’s a status….not your diary…