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"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon"
I wish I had a friend like me
Taking selfies is a lot of work when you’re not attractive.
Apparently there`s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
I never thought I`d be one of those people that hit the gym early in the morning ... I was right!
When we give each other a thumbs up, it`s our way of mocking every other animal on earth.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
There’s no “I” in team and coincidentally none in "Go f*ck yourself" either.
My bank called because they noticed ‘highly suspicious activity’ on my charge account. It was for a gym membership.
I`ll make better mistakes tomorrow.
I am now convinced that the homeless people have all of the shopping carts that do not have the wobbly wheels.
Part of me wants to help you with your crisis, but part of me wants to go to happy hour.
What do you mean being awesome for another year isn`t a resolution?
i just opened a fortune cookie and it started with the word unfortuneatly
Scariest Moment: Flushing the toilet at someone else’s house, and seeing the water rise…