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Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, "Please wear."
Hello 911? Do you think i`m pretty?
Somehow, we`ve got to find a way to STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under.
Any question is a hard hitting question when it`s written on a brick and thrown full force at your face.
Birthdays back then: Wow! Look at all these presents!. Birthdays now : Wow damn look at all these notifications!.
When you are on a first date and she says to you: “I want you to treat me like a movie star,” it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.
I swear this is the last time I watch Groundhog Day
How crazy is it that we used to say "three and a half inch floppy" with a straight face
You know it´s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with.. "Are you sitting down?"
Proof that getting kicked in the nuts is worse than giving birth. Girls often say, yeah I`d have another baby. Guys never ask to get kicked in the nuts again.
Not every flower can say love...but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst...but a cactus did. Not every idiot can read, but look at you go!!!! lol
Just saw someone eat a kit kat bar without breaking off each individual piece and now I can`t stop twitching.
The best part about being over 40 is we did most of our stupid stuff before the internet.
I went to the missing persons` beurau. No one was there.
Pregnancy test confirmed me my worst fear.......I`m just fat