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For once I’d like to get kicked into a bar
This Crazy Weather Makes Me Want To Masturbate Furiously!!!
I don’t really forgive people I just pretend like it`s okay and wait for my opportunity to destroy them.
I just started dating a homeless girl and it`s great! When I take her home, I can drop her off anywhere I want.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
I can`t find my happy place this morning, mind if I goto yours
Since you no longer have a calendar I`d like to notify all the Mayans that it has been one year since the end of the world.
When everything is coming your way ... You`re in the wrong lane.
My coworkers and I do this fun thing where they say `It`s so cold out!` and I say `It`s winter` and then we silently hate each other.
Damn, it`s like these people have never seen anyone bring a flask to the gym before.
Learn to fight like you`re the third monkey trying to get on the Ark!
I`m going to clean my house today and by clean I mean I`m drinking vodka and spraying Febreze everywhere.
It’s called a “remote” because those are your odds of finding it when you want to change the channel.
I noticed you’re not yourself today. I really like it.
Yo fellas, how did that “wow” comment you left on that girls Facebook picture play out?