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Million dollar idea: Alarm clock that releases spiders... NOW you`re up.
"I am upping my standards... so up yours!"
I have more conversations in my head than I do in real life.
I don`t care how much you liked the soap - NEVER be caught smelling your fingers while walking out of a public restroom.
The best stories ever told always end with the words”…and then I got the hell out of there.”
I was an atheist, until I realized I was a sex god.
Mom: You haven`t moved since I left 5 hours ago? Me: Excuse me, where do you think these chips came from!!???
Show him you care by setting his house on fire so he will have to move in with you and never be lonely again.
when I`m quiet, strangers look at me and think I`m shy. People who know me think: OMG! he`s thinking! EVERYBODY RUN!
I just googled "Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don`t Fear the Reaper?" and my first response was, "Go outside and do something."
Sitting out in my front yard pointing a hair dryer at speeding cars to see if any slow down.
My To-Do list for today is just a bunch of things I wanna eat.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a wife who knows it all?
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Safety Tip: lock your doors and windows before bed. Btw, I love what you`ve done with the place.