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Woah.. the room is spinning.. I knew the world revolved around me.. ;)
"What doesn`t kill you makes you smaller." -Super Mario
If two cannibals fight, does that make it a food fight?
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders... * How I learned this rule is not important.
Thinking about staying in tonight? Nobody looks back in life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
Iām great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think "that`d be a great name for my new baby!"
Time to walk the cow and milk the dog, Happy Hump Day!
I saw Tom Hanks and asked for his autograph. He abbreviated it, and it just said "Thanks"
I assume that a Columbus Day sale means I can just walk into a store and take whatever I want.
No, PornHub, I would NOT like to share this video with my friends and family on facebook.
Who says I can`t relate to today`s youth? I overheard a teenager saying he loved "riding on E" and I was like "I totally get it, gas is so damn expensive".
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I`m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
If you never jumped from sofa to sofa as a kid to avoid the lava, then you missed out on childhood.
A lifetime of fire drills has prepared me to completely ignore the alarm during a real fire.