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Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they`re talking?
Instead of cleaning my house I just watch an episode of hoarders and think " Wow my house looks great"
It`s so cold Miley Cyrus got her toungue stuck on her wrecking ball
Ahhhh, bad credit…the best identity theft protection.
I was in a taxi and the driver said "I love my job. I`m my own boss and nobody tells me what to do!" I said "That`s really great, now take a left here."
The most important part of being on a gluten free diet is telling everyone about it.
My wife has spent all day arguing that she isn`t stubborn...
Babies are so cute because none of them are mine.
I wish I could afford to have a drinking problem.
Roses are red, violets are blue, the boss snuck out early, so I left too.
why don`t we get discounts for ringing up our own groceries in self checkout?
These statuses are a lot better if you imagine them being read by Morgan Freeman.
You find it offensive?... I find it funny.... That`s why I`m happier than you
The older I get, the more I understand someone`s desire to just say-"F*ck it. I`m going to be drunk all the time & live under this bridge."