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My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. ..well, she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet..
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people......
Look UPS guy, you can`t just show up at someone`s house unannounced and expect them to have pants on.
If you didn`t hear it with your own ears or see it with you own eyes. Don`t invent it with your small mind, and share it with your big mouth.
I`d like to give a special thanks to my feet for supporting me and to my arms for being by my side at all times.
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding… that the other person is a complete idiot!
"I just launched a new fragrance!" - a great way to announce a fart
If you can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day with someone you love, celebrate it with alcohol and pizza.
Dogs love you even if you’re ugly.
I don`t burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day.
The statement `Hey! Calm down!` has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down
I think I speak for everyone here when I say "I haven`t the slightest idea as to where my life is headed"
The way my dog acts, you`d think his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
I never think twice about helping others.In fact, I never think once about it.