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If doing things was as easy as thinking about doing things Iād get a lot more done.
As a child, you dream of adventure, travel & success. As an adult, a lot of the time, you just hope the toilet flushes.
Someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog.
It`s not the torch she carries for me that has me worried, it`s the gas can in her other hand.
"I just launched a new fragrance!" - a great way to announce a fart
is easily distracted by shiny objects.
Lets be honest. Half of life is messing up and half is frantically trying to fix it.
To be honest with you, I start all my lies with to be honest with you.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is. She`s not dead, just very condescending.
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed. And it was great
Would you like to save money on your car insurance? Walk ... Just sayin
Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend`s head.
A great thing about being single is never having to erase your history tab.
I hate getting my picture taken. Especially in front of a height chart at the police station.
I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and crap a better status than yours!