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I don`t really understand why women are expected to be able to cook if they can give blowjobs.
When I want to trim down my friend`s Facebook list I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
I think I really have an amazing butt. Every time I talk to someone and start walking off they say "what an ass.."
It`s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji...
I`m thankful for pizza and burgers... and ice cream and bacon and fries and... F*ck it, I`m thankful for food. I love you, food.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
After how long is it ok to tell your friends that they are imaginary?
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper place mats with puzzles...GAME ON!!
Hey, guy from the gym with lifting gloves still on, you can take them off now, you`re in Starbucks.
If he uses an iPhone 5 in Taken 3 he`s going to be spending half the movie charging it.
Remember, I`m always here if you need shoulders for your ankles to lie on.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there`s no better excuse to ignore someone.
NyQuil is great. I love the way it comes with it´s own shot glass
Whenever I want a klondike bar I just pay for it.