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To be truthful from deep down ... I don`t believe that paper beats rock.
I appreciate your help, but no thanks, I can f*ck up my life on my own.
The United States is probably the only country in the world where people need energy drinks to sit in front of a computer all day.
Back in my day, we didn’t have computers or the internet. Everyone had to walk uphill for days to tell me I’m an a$$hole.
Imagine how bad it would be if everyone could hear what you were thinking.
Thanks to the State Farm commercial now I want a Falcon.
I knew the fun part of my life was over when my friends started getting pregnant on purpose
Statistics show the number one cause of failed relationships is opening your mouth and letting words come out.
Rock bottom is when you get dinner at the same place you buy your gas.
I just accidentally opened the door for a Jehovah`s Witness and he took one look at me and just walked away.
I thought we were both kidding when we made plans for me to watch your kid.
At times I wish I had a clone, but then I realize, I could never live with that a$$hole.
I have an eating disorder; I`m about to eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings, and dis order of nuggets.
When I see somebody get on one knee tying their shoe in public I get in front of them, happy cry, and say “Oh my GOD, I will, YES-YESS!”
I`ll try to be nicer if you try to be smarter.