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So tell me, does it hurt to be so full of sh!t?
A hard thing about business is minding your own
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Our phone falls, we panic... our friends fall, we laugh.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
BEFORE I GET DRUNK, NAKED,THROWN IN JAIL AND LOOSE MY DAMN PHONE. *HAPPY NEW YEAR.
The worst thing about rich people is I`m not one of them.
I`d like to change and get comfy, yet that requires effort. Ever feel this lazy?
Relationship status: sleeping in my bed diagonally.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Fat, single and ready for a Pringle.
When your wife says she needs a new broom it`s best not to ask if she broke the last one in a crash landing.
I swear Hollisters electricity bill must be like $1 a month..
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn`t `funny` and is technically `wasting` police time
My ex was an absolute treasure and by treasure I mean you`ll need a shovel and map to find him.