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Almost time for my nightly foursome......... Me, my bed, my pillow and my blanket! What the hell were YOU thinkin` you perv!!!!!!
Women, if you want to strike a bit of fear into your man, just smile really big and ask him, "Notice anything different?"
Decaf only works if you throw it on people.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I`m like HOLY CRAP I`M OUTSIDE.
I think I will start calling my wife "My Customer" since she is always right...
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
I`m a passionate supporter of things that don`t inconvenience me or require any type of action or physical effort.
Screw your recommended serving size. You don`t know me.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Sunflowers are yellow. I bet you were expecting something romantic, but this is just gardening facts.
To a cop, doing donuts in a parking lot has a whole different meaning.
The more I know, the more I forget! The more I forget the less I know! The less I know, the less I forget! The less I forget, the more I know!!!
If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, does it really have calories?
NyQuil is great. I love the way it comes with it´s own shot glass
One night, as I as lying in bed, I looked up at the stars and thought to myself: "What the f#ck happened to the roof?"
Make yourself at home. Clean my kitchen