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Types of like on facebook: 1.Stalker like. 2.Crush like. 3.I wanna bang you like. 4.Agree like 5.Pity like.
Ever wonder if the McDonalds logo is the letter "m" or just an image of your butt cheeks it will cause?
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
I think the only way I`ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I`m in prison.
Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
Cheers, to judging people who spell words wrong in their statuses.
If I don’t talk to myself, who will?
People who don`t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Google must be a woman...it knows everything.
It`s damn funny when a wife think`s she`s punishing her husband by not talking to him for days..
"Are you even listening to me?" is a weird way for my girlfriend to start a conversation.
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he’s too old for it.
The ultimate home security system is just having crappy stuff.
I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the sh!t out of each other because it`s negative.
Doing donuts in the parking lot sounds fun. Eating donuts in the parking lot sounds better.