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The only thing I`m really learning from this 401K meeting at work this morning is that I`ll probably never be able to retire.
That awkward moment when you try to zoom in on Instagram and remember that you’re an idiot.
DATING TIP: never reveal how many cats you have.
Sometimes I`ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I`ll be like, "oh no, that can`t be right."
We need to DETACH from all this technology and live life in the moment. Sent from my iPhone
The first sign of laziness:
If someone tells you `I love you` but you don`t feel the same way and don`t wanna make it awkward just say `I love YouTube` really really fast :)
Vaginas are like the weather. When it`s wet, it`s time to go inside.
I am having one of those days where my middle finger answers every question.
You know its Monday when your left eye wont open and your right eye is twitching.
My wife says I should use the term "make love" instead of "f*ck.". What the make love is she talking about?
I’m back on my feet again!! Wait, false alarm the remote is right here.
Society: Be yourself. Society: No not like that
I wonder if the girls on "16 and pregnant," will come back on "32 and a Grandma."
Tried to donate blood today but they had too many questions about where I got it.