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I smile when I`m having dirty thoughts :)
Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"
Ever have the experience of staring at an outfit hanging in your closet and wondering which of the personalities did the shopping that day?
That awkward moment when you try to zoom in on Instagram and remember that you’re an idiot.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere.
The best thing about telepathy is... I know, right!?
Coaster? You`re assuming I plan to put my drink down...
DRINK BEER SAVE WATER..www.godrunk.com
I wonder what Facebook employees do at work to waste time.
The Australian kiss is just like the French kiss but down under.
When I was on the plane the stewardess asked, do you need some headphones? I said, Hell Yeah, but how did you know my name was Phones?
People who cook Hot Pockets in the oven, Where are you getting all this free time?
Being an American is awesome. The end.
If you can`t tell the difference between delivery and Digiorno then you`re a f***ing idiot.
My local news station says it gives us " news when it breaks " ...I want unbroken news!!