Daily Silly Status

I just did my budget for August. If I don`t buy food ... I won`t need toilet paper. I think I`m on to something here.

Sometimes I wish I wasn`t rich and handsome and delusional.

A man walks into a bar & orders a beer. He drinks it, looks in his pocket & orders another. This happens 7 more times. Bartender asks, "What`s in your pocket?" Man says, "I have a photo of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I`ll go home."

Sometimes it’s funnier when you DON’T add “lol” at the end. lol

Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... - Me trying not to drop a baby.

is battling with eyelids

I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.

Honestly, I’ver never see anyone fall because of a banana.

justin bieber

Apparently, when asked "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "F**kin` large ones" is not the correct answer.

I`ve been hitting "remind me later" for about the last 4 years on Adobe.

I wish I was important enough for my nudes to get leaked.

Thanks to yesterday`s chili, I can definitively tell you that there are 242 tiles in this bathroom stall.

My coworkers are looking at me like they`ve never seen anyone tailgate before work.

I don’t know who or what is doing it, but one day I will find the thing that continues to steal one sock and destroy it.