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I`m pretty sure my guardian angel just sits there watching me suffer, while rolling her eyes and painting her nails.
A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughter`s school concert.
Not every flower can say love, but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst, but a cactus did. Not every dummy can read, but look at you go...
$5.99 Trojan condoms or $19.99 Huggies diapers. Choose wisely...
You think you`re pretty smart until you have to figure out how to turn on someone elses shower.
Smile. Your enemies hate it.
My lucks so bad if I bought a cemetery people would stop dying.
I`m glad it`s the thought that counts because I spend all day thinking about the sh!t I should be doing.
My mother in law called me today and said? ”Come quick. I think I’m dying” I said, ”Call me back when you’re sure”.
Gently placing your finger on someone’s lips and saying, “Shh, not another word,” is super romantic but cops don’t seem to think so.
People always say that alcohol kills... but if you think about it .... it causes many births too.
There are sick days, paid holidays, and vacation days. What about "Don`t have any gas to make it to work days"
Show some cleavage on bad hair days.
You`re pretty cocky for someone with such a small ... vocabulary.
I`ll admit I`m not perfect but what did the horse I rode in on do?