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Dear Santa: My sister is the "naughty" one ... trust me.
Why do they waste so much money on all the checkout lanes at Walmart, when they only have two of them open at any given time.
I fell off the wagon because I was too drunk to keep my balance
I hate it when the movie trailer is better than the movie itself.
Must you really ask why I have my selfie on top of my Christmas tree?
There`s a special place in hell reserved for the guy that decided what time McDonalds beakfast ends.
Google was first named, `BackRub`. If they hadn`t changed the name, we`d be saying, `I don`t know, go BackRub it.`
went to vegas: put a coin in the machine and a prize came out, put another coin and another prize came out...problem is i don`t know what to do with all these empty cans now.
I used to date this girl that worked at Hasbro, but I finally got sick of all her games.
If my life was a GPS it would constantly be recalculating
Noise cancelling toilets should be a thing.
Pokémon means a totally different thing if you`re stuck in prison.
Please please, keep talking. I always yawn when I`m interested...
"You suck! No, you suck!!" - Two women in a threesome
My girlfriend wanted me to come shopping, but I had a headache... I must have caught it from her last night when we didn`t have sex.