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Professor X can move anything with his mind... except his legs.
Iām gonna have to get new pets, Iām running out of passwords.
I`m surprised more killers haven`t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
I`m selling my browser history on eBay before the government does.
I like my women like I like my motorcycles. Not ridden by all my friends.
Alcohol is never the answer...unless, of course, you ask what I`ll be doing tonight.
Can anyone recommend a few thousand books on hoarding?
The sound of children laughing makes me happy. Unless I`m home alone and my power goes out.
I have this empty feeling inside of me. Wait, there`s my drink.
auto-correct has got to be my worst enema.
You are right when you realize you were wrong.
It seems like the āLā in my luck has been replaced with an āFā.
All I want for Christmas is for these calories to not count.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex. Now it`s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
It was so cold out today i actually saw a few gangsters with their pants pulled up.