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If a man speaks at sea where no women can hear, is he still wrong?
You’re the reason I wake up everyday... Just kidding I have a job!!
If she can cook like her mother and drink like her father, she`s a keeper.
Such a satisfying feeling when “the one that got away” turns into “dodged that bullet”
I know you`re supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?
Does anyone have like twenty thousand dollars they don’t want? Asking for myself.
Shout-out to nature for not giving wings to snakes
Overheard at grocery: Paper or plastic, sir? Doesn’t matter. Im bisacksual.
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: "Why am I talking to myself?"
I had my Crayola guy re-run the numbers,,, and there`s only 36 shades of grey
When you`re a kid, dick jokes are considered adult content, but when you`re an adult, they`re considered immature.
Hitting the lotto is a sure way to stop hating on Mondays...
As you get older your Christmas list gets shorter, because the things you want can`t be bought.
If your life ever seems boring just remember that you are on a rock floating in outer space.
I already know that I`m going to hell ... At this point it`s really go big or go home.