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Drying out wet fireworks in the oven is not a good idea. Trust me on this
You never know whats going on in your life until you’re f*cked up.
When I see people jogging outside I like to drive behind them slowly blasting Eye of the Tiger for motivation.
We all have that funny voice we use when talking to dogs, babies... and idiots!
There’s always that one person that catches you doing something weird.
With all the potato chip flavors available now, I see no point in buying actual food...
How to cure a headache: 1. Drink a glass of water. 2. Take 10 deep breathes. 3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
I have a kid in Africa I inoculate, feed, clothe and send to school for only $1 day. It cost a lot to send him over there though.
Pretending to be nice is exhausting...
My business card is just a picture of me looking inside the fridge.
Without ME, it’s just AWESO.
"That`s close enough..." ~Government worker
I have nothing!
To avoid conversations at work, always walk with purpose and a toilet plunger.
Women and children first because men deserve a little quiet time before the ship sinks.