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If you make something easier for yourself they call you lazy. If you make something easier for everyone else they call you a genius.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program
I order all my food with extra gluten.
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself" -- 5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
Sometimes, in life, all you really need is a lot of money.
I hate it when chicks wear pink camo. I`m like, "girl" where you hiding? Candyland?
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Whenever my son questions my knowledge on any subject, I just remind him that I`m older than the Internet.
I`m not sayin you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you`re thinking.
I gave my cat 7up, now it has 16 lives
A dirty mind is f*cking beautiful!
Sitting out in my front yard pointing a hair dryer at speeding cars to see if any slow down.
"You`re so cute!" works as a response to anything my girl says 99% of the time when I`m not listening which is 99% of the time.
I´m thankful for Facebook. Before, I would just scream out my thoughts to anyone who would listen.
I hope daylight savings time hasn`t thrown you off your schedule of doing nothing.