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So I just saw a donkey crossing the road. The cool thing was he looked both ways before crossing. What a smart a$$.
Remember kids, NEVER light fireworks. Let the adults, who have been drinking all day, light them instead!
I don’t need a reason to enjoy a little wine. All I need is a glass.
The next time you feel you’re worthless…. just remember…. your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.
I accidentally shoveled the sidewalk all the way to the bar again.
We have GPS that can navigate you across the country. Why can`t someone invent a device that can remind you why you went into a room?
Went looking for camouflage underwear today.....couldn`t find any
Go ahead caller 9!!
Well it’s time to go from sitting on my office chair, to sitting in traffic, to sitting on my couch. I’m very skilled at sitting.
They say when you meet the right one you will know right away. But why does it take 3 years to know it’s the wrong one?
They say I have a drinking problem. I say they have a problem with nudity.
Step aside coffee… this is a job for booze.
Im convinced that one day we will all live in the future.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I hate you bye
They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. It`s true... The less I see of someone, the more I like them!