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I`m sorry did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
No one has ever said, "You know what would make this even better? ... Turkey bacon."
My dad said if I don`t get of facebook in 3 seconds he would jab my face into the keyboahajsirksjapquebxm
Unless its inappropriately, don`t f*cking touch me.
We can`t cure cancer, diabetes or PMS, but we have 10 different pills to make a mans happy place bigger.
I wonder how many people die each year from lifeguards running in slow motion?
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”. Problem solved.
No pants are the best pants.
My favorite drinking game is drinking.
I"m not saying that I am batman, i`m just saying no one has ever seen me and batman in a room together
[boss calls me to office] We found a lot of disgusting porn on your computer. Thats a matter of opinion. Some may say it`s the right amount.
When I was little my dad had me convinced that the Ice Cream truck only played music when it was sold out. Well played Dad, well played.
Depression is just your body`s way of saying it needs more orgasms.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at a floor and think, "I`d so tap that."
True love is when you burn your tongue when you take a bite from a pizza and you still keep eating it.