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I thought about going outside and doing something today but my Wi-Fi really doesn`t reach very far.
My retirement plan is just $1,000 & a plane ticket to wherever these kids are living on 15 cents a day.
My Wife: Why are you home so early? Me: My boss told me to go to hell
I`m not lazy I just really enjoy doing nothing!!
Somebody is out there, somewhere, thinking of the impact you`ve made in their life. It`s not me. I think your an idiot.
Here`s how I gained 27lbs of muscle in 5 weeks: Lying.
My kids constantly yell at me whenever I try take their pictures, and I tell `em: "You`re gonna need them in 20 years for your Throw Back Thursdays updates"..... whatever!!
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces.
The best thing about smartphones is that you don`t have to refold maps anymore.
If my house is clean, it means that Facebook is not working.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Before bed, my Dad would always say, "OK son, time to hit the sack." Not sure how me punching him in the balls helped him sleep, but hey, that’s my Dad for ya.
Does this couch I`m laying on make me look unmotivated?
Dude, I see you are enjoying a cold Bud Light Lime-a-Rita .... I`m going to assume that`s your smart car parked outside.
AWESOME!