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I carved my name in a fruitcake in 1982. If anyone gets it this year, post a pic!
Nothing is really lost until your mom can’t find it.
Karate is just a violent way of making people smell your feet.
A golden rule to live by: Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics!
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
When people say things like "You can`t change the past" I can`t help but wonder what it must be like to have that brilliant of a mind.
If the Internet was never invented... what would we all be doing now?
Think big, Think smart, Think positive, Think beautiful, Think great,I know this is too much for u,so here is a shortcut-Just think about me
When people ask for my advice, I advise them not to take my advice. That really screws them up.
LIKE if you hide your favorite food from your family
You`re in your 20`s... you don`t have "haters"... you have "adults" that think you are "annoying"
Depending on the boob, the Bra is either the best or worst invention ever.
My house is not a mess. It`s just that everything is on display for your viewing pleasure. Like a museum.
Vodka isn`t the answer... but it makes you forget the question :P
Just called my own voicemail and left messages until the memory was full. People can`t leave messages now. That`s the kind of genius I am.