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I’m sorry I’m late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering what the f**k he was protecting his eyes from.
Out of all the lies I`ve ever told, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
A telephone survey says that 51 percent of college students drink until they pass out at least once a month. The other 49 percent didn`t answer the phone.
Siri, destroy the vehicle in front of me.
Some things are better left unsaid, but I`m probably gonna get drunk and say them anyway.
I`m not saying that I`ve been online too long, I`m just saying that when I close my eyes I scroll through my thoughts
The ski racks on my car say I’m fun, adventurous, and can’t figure out how to take the ski racks off my car.
These people keep looking at me like I`m the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You haven`t truly made it on YouTube until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
I get my cardio from caffeine...
It`s gonna be hotter than Billy Ray Cyrus after watching his daughters performance on the VMA`s tomorrow!
Saying a prayer for all the turkeys today. Also the single people with concerned relatives.
I like my coffee like I like my men: caffeinated, made of beans, muscular, tousled hair, you know what, I don`t really know how to do this..
Sometimes I wish there was a `Build-a-Girlfriend`.
Hold on I`m about to count my money. Alright I`m done.