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Edward Cullen is extremely pale due to the lack of light in the closet.
I wouldn’t have to manage my anger, if people could learn to manage their stupidity.
Sunglasses: I don’t want to make awkward eye contact with certain people.
In my defense, your honor, he had the keyboard clicking sound on his phone turned on
For Display Only` signs on the toilets at Home Depot. Sorry guys my bad. ;)
With Halo 4, Black Ops II and Assasins Creed III, I think November might register the lowest teen pregnancy rates in a long time!
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says "We need to talk".
When people I don’t know ask me what I do for a living I shout “Karma,” and punch them before running away.
I just got a paper cut opening a box of Pop Tarts. There will be no more fancy breakfasts around here.
I keep my landline active because I know sooner or later Trinity or Morpheus will contact me.
Researchers claim that the Internet is making us dumber and more impatient. I don`t get it. Moving on.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Give a man a fish & he`ll eat for a day. Give a man a jelly fish and you can pee on him.
Well, I’m bored again. Time to open the fridge
She heard me call her a bitch so now I have 100 problems.