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Of all the bands named after handicapped jungle animals, Def Leppard is my favorite.
Oh no! I have to enter my date of birth to view this explicit content! Damn this internet security!
word of the day: nincomtard
Such a relief when things I`ve been meaning to do become things I meant to do but now it`s too late.
My life is just one long improvisation.
A house is not a home until you can find all light switches in the dark.
So this guy pointing a gun to my face was like: Your money or your life! and I was like: I`m on Facebook, I don`t have money or a life.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
*Knocks on door* Hey open up. You didn`t reply to my last 43 inbox messages & then you updated about a guy who keeps annoying you. You need help?
I would unblock you but then I`d be admitting I`d made a mistake and that`s just not my thing.
My participation in this meeting will be based solely on the snacks they provide.
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance... The five stages of waking up.
People are obsessed with this storm but in a couple months no one will talk about it anymore, which is why they named it after the movie Juno.
When a male octopus finds a mate, he rips off his happy place and throws it at the female octopus so she can inseminate herself. Then the male grows a new happy place. If that isn`t the most epic way to tell someone to go $*&# themselves, I don`t know what is!
I just finish reading "50 shades of gray" by Sherwin Williams. I don`t see what all the hype is about these paint brochures.