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Still haven`t taken down the Christmas tree. Screw it. We now have a Super Bowl tree.
I went to the store and saw that Duracell batteries were on sale just before Valentine`s Day. Someone is a marketing genius.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It`s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
My Wife: Why are you home so early? Me: My boss told me to go to hell
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
I generally don`t hang out with people who are missing digits on their feet. It`s not that I`m a jerk. I`m just lack-toes intolerant.
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast.
I just used the self checkout in Walmart without needing assistance and they made me district manager.
For you men who think a woman’s place is in the kitchen, remember… that’s where the knives are kept.
2015 and still no thieves interested in my identity.
Ladies, Admit it. Sometimes you look down at your own boobs and think "Wow, these are Awesome!"
How can society expect me to be a mature productive member of it I don`t even know if it`s spelled gray or grey
“That’s funny” is something I say when I can’t even fake a laugh.
I am really getting tired of every time I go out people use me for my body. You know, to shade them from the sun and all.
You ever want to just grab someone and say, WTF is wrong with you?