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I got kicked out of the pool today ... apperently the breaststroke isn`t what I thought it was.
I sometimes goto Starbucks for coffee and tell them my name is Bueller ... Then leave before my coffe is ready
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Knowing sign language is a handy skill when it comes to identifying schizophrenics at famous people`s funerals.
According to the squirrel riding a unicycle in my kitchen, I may have taken too much sleep medication.......
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don`t wanna have to explain why I`m in your `Random Party Pics 08` album at 4am.
"What did you do today?" "I text messaged." :)
I don`t like Instagram. It reminds me that somewhere people are doing stuff. I just don`t need that kind of pressure.
I could of sworn my pillow`s a hairdreeser...coz I always wake up with the craziest hairstyles!! :D
I need a leaf blower, but for people.
How does one get suspended with full pay and benefits? Asking for a friend who is actually me.
People who say "I hate to bother you" need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Was up all night wondering, why do people compliment me for having all my sh!t together & yet still insult me for being full of it?
I’m writing this from the hospital. Don’t worry! The doctors say I’m going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!
The last breasts I touched belonged to a dead chicken.