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I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I`d choke to death swallowing it.
Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of productivity.
The realization you`ve spoken too loudly when you exclaimed: " My Salad had NUTS!"
It`s so hard to find obedient minions
Dear Friday, I`m ready !!!
The lack of a secret handshake makes me question the strength of our friendship.
When life gets you down, just remember: It’s never too early or too late for a nap.
You`ve really got to hand it to short people, because sometimes they often can`t reach it.
The problem is I have just enough money to get into trouble but not enough to make bail.
"The truth shall set you free"....unless you are in court. Then you should probably shut the f*ck up.
I don`t know if I have a stalker, but if I do could you drop off some beer? Thanks
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
What I lack in good decisions, I make up for in inappropriate behavior.
Sometimes, the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.