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Its weird that goldfish will eat other goldfish but wont eat goldfish crackers. Life sure is complicated sometimes.
Dear Noah, we could have sworn you said the arc wasn`t leaving until 5. Sincerely, unicorns.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Oops! I hate when I pour myself a drink and then have 12 more by accident.
Apparently sleeping your way to the top doesn`t mean dozing off in meetings or taking naps in the copier room.
If you think you hate me now, wait till I start answering your rhetorical questions.
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I’d be like “Sit your translucent ass down, I have a lot of questions!”
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
It`s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Spoiler alert: Your `97 Nissan Sentra doesn`t need one.
Why do people always feel safe under blankets...its not like a murderer will break in and be like "I`M GONNA KILL YAA__AAHHHhhhh dang he is under a blanket.
If owls are so smart, how come they don`t say "Whom"?
I believe in equality. If we have a 5 day week of work, we should have 5 day weekends as well dammit.
You`re pretty cocky for someone with such a small ... vocabulary.
If by time, you mean vodka, then yes, time does heal all wounds.