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A wireless bra? They weren`t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Can someone else be a sex symbol today? ... My good T-shirt is still in the wash...
All milk is breast milk.
I`ll call it a smartphone the day I yell "Where`s my phone?" and it yells "Down here! In the couch cushions!"
I know money talks but I wish mine had a better vocabulary instead of just ‘Spend me’.
How many boxes of these Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Tomorrow is Valentines day, a holiday that comes along once a year to remind you that if you don`t have a special someone...I guess your alone.
So last night I put a whopee cushion on moms chair, waited and finally heard it go off.. I walk in with a massive smile on my face to find out that she hadn`t even sat on it yet.
Laptop speakers, too quiet for music, too loud for porn.
When someone says "Surprise me", I quickly drop my pants.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their sh!t together.
A girl phoned me the other day and said “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
I`m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
If your conspiracy theory doesn`t involve cats and dogs, don`t bother me.