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that awkward moment when you`re scuba diving and you see Adele rolling in the deep.
Thinks that thinking about thoughts of thinking are too thinkable for thoughts to be thought about thinking, I think.
Some things are better left unsaid...That`s usually the stuff I blurt out right away.
If your man is reluctant to talk about his feelings, it’s probably because you haven’t told him what they are yet.
To ensure you never cut yourself while chopping vegetables, get a friend to hold the vegetable.
3 wishes for when I find a genie: 1. The more I eat the skinnier I get 2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist 3. Other kid owns a winery
I`m not lazy, I just rest before I get tired
I`m not necessarily saying that I am or am not a super hero, but I do occasionally stand with my hands on my hips.
I`ll be damned if after the 5 longest minutes of my life i am going to "allow to cool in microwave for 1 minute"!
life is too short to match socks
Buying someone flowers is kind of a weird idea. Like: Hey, these are for you, now watch them slowly die, because I love you.
I just made an emergency survival kit. You know, for emergencies. It looks like all my other kits, but don`t be fooled; this one is red and has more liquor.
Life`s short ... Drink fast
Bored? Simply send a text to a random number saying "I`m pregnant"
"You`re going to love my friend. He`s hilarious." is still the best way to know you`re about to meet an annoying person.