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I prefer my kale with a silent "K"
Father: Earlier you used to call me papa but now dad, why? Daughter: Come on dad, calling you PAPA spoiles my lipstick.
I really like it when women check me out, they seem to be able to work the register a lot better than men.
You should always love a woman for her personality. We have so many to choose from.
What idiot called it Adderall instead of Accomplish Mints?
You can always make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
A slug is just a divorced snail.
You make your own luck`.. a saying most popular with lucky f*ckers
I don`t think America should elect a president in 2016. We need to be single for a few years and find ourselves.
The longer I stay at home. The more homeless looking I look.
Let`s drink till this day makes some sort of sense.
75% of men kiss their wives good bye when leaving the house. 100% kiss their house good bye when leaving their wives.
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. Good times.
If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions
If you have to tell us that you`ve been going to the gym, you probably need to go more often....