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I appreciate your help, but no thanks, I can f*ck up my life on my own.
Warranty ā A notice telling the buyer when the product that was just purchased will no longer function.
The problem is I have just enough money to get into trouble but not enough to make bail.
Bless me Father for I hit send.
Iām on that new diet where you eat everything and hope for a miracle!
Some people have goals of conquering the world! My goal is to sleep through the night without having to get up and pee!
If the wicked witch of the west melts in water ... How did she bathe?
Start each day with a positive thought like, "I can go back to bed in about 17 short hours."
I must have a great butt because every time I finish talking with someone and start to walk away, I hear them whisper "What an a$$."
Mustaches: 1. Like them or not? 2. Should you refuse to go out on a date with someone just because she has one?
I get as much action as a white crayon.
Easy come, easy go describes my last 12 cases of beer and 17 relationships.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers. "Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?" SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!!
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
7.1 billion people in the world. 0 willing to lower their standards and date me.