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The only thing I`m really learning from this 401K meeting at work this morning is that I`ll probably never be able to retire.
My favorite outdoor activity is going back inside.
They say in the near future computers will become more intelligent than people, really, the near future? I walk down the street and see girls who struggle with the difference between orange and tanned, guys who have no idea how a belt works, and all of them with less language skills then the average trained chimp. Computers? Hell I’ve got an alarm clock that’s smarter than most of them right now.
"Should I add more liquor?" is the most ridiculous question I`ve ever been asked.
Wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? lol jk, there`s no pizza
Recipes sound good until you realize that you don`t have $846 worth of spices in your house.
I drank an energy drink so if anyone needs help packing, pushing your car to a gas station or shaking the leaves off a tree
Men are like lottery tickets. Very exciting at first, until you scratch away the surface to reveal the loser beneath.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven`t worked out all the bugs yet.
If you insist on sending me pics of your boobs please at least be a female!!
Just bought an exercise bike today because my treadmill works fine for laying my pants on, but it won`t accommodate hanging shirts on hangers.
A pretty important part of being a dad is waiting in the car.
Just because I don’t like you doesn’t mean I don’t want you to like me.- Most Girls
The people who make medicine clearly have no idea what fruit tastes like
Oh really? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take to mind your own business