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People reckon I´m too patronizing (that means I treat them as if they´re stupid).
This is a private status. Please don`t tell anyone about it.
Thank you Super Bowl for reminding all Americans how bad we really are at understanding Roman numerals
At least thirty percent of my workout is spent picking a different song.
I’m always impressed when I can stump auto-correct...
People are so weird. You reach under the bathroom stall to tie their shoes and they freak out instead of saying thanks.
Futons are the most disappointing Transformers ever.
If you`ve ever wondered why an animal is stupid enough to run into oncoming traffic on the highway, then you`ve obviously never been married.
Monopoly: Destroying friendships since 1904
So this guy pointing a gun to my face was like: Your money or your life! and I was like: I`m on Facebook, I don`t have money or a life.
In alcohol`s defence, I`ve done some pretty dumb sh*t while completely sober too.
My friend thinks he`s so smart. He said onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face.
I pretty much spend all day, every day, just looking forward to going back to sleep.
This isn`t a bakery. We don`t sugarcoat sh!t
My entire working knowledge of automotive repair is derived from the song "The Wheels on the Bus"