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SINGLE GUYS: Nervous about flirting with a woman? Just remember: they`re smart, confident, and aware they don`t need us, so yeah, you should be worried.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.” If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
For every bad idea you have, I’m always there to tell you…I’m in.
My brain is giving me the silent treatment today.
Nothing says `I dont take you seriously` like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
cavemen were posting on walls before it was cool
I was about to do something awesome, again, but I told myself “Enough is enough, that’s plenty of awesome for one day”
30 seconds left on the microwave ~ Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone ~ Men: do the space shuttle countdown
Every night before bed I do this cute little thing where I stare at the Internet for 6.5 hours
I always clench up before I drive into a tunnel because I`m afraid Wile E. Coyote might have just drawn it on there.
If a man says you`re ugly, he`s being mean. If a woman says you`re ugly, she`s jealous. If a little kid says you`re ugly, then you`re ugly.
Besides being curled up on the bathroom floor convinced I was dying from liver failure for a few hours, last night was fun.
Apparently “finders keepers” does not include expensive cars in parking lots.
"I can`t wait for New Years to be over!" -my liver