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I just can`t seem to get a girlfriend even though I can speak two languages fluently. English and Klingon.
Next time you are sad remember you can make a cheeseburger with donuts as the bun. Still sad? Add Sprinkles
"It`s cold!", "Happy birthday!", "I`m so blessed", "Political rant!"... There, now you don`t have to go to Facebook today. You`re welcome.
I hate it when my fat makes me look fat.
If you see a road sign that says "Survey Crew Ahead" they actually are not looking for your opinions ... I know that now.
Me blacking out when I`m drunk is God`s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Some of us are basically unpaid Facebook interns.
I just found out it takes 5 sheep to make 1 wool sweater. I didn`t even know they knew how to knit.
I will be good today... I will be good today... I will be good today... Yeah.... I didn`t believe it either..
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
"I want to be cuddled, but I want to be alone. Being crazy is hard." - WOMEN
This day will end with either wine or shopping. Probably both.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone "Hello you`re on the air" and 99% of the time people will just hang up
It is impossible to simultaneously keep up a) hope and b) with the Kardashians.
When I text someone and they don`t text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from the excitement.