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Pick any number. Multiply it by two. Now add 12 to it. Divide it by 3. Now change it to 10. That`s how many seconds you just wasted.
30 years later and my Cabbage Patch Kid still has no clue that he`s adopted.
I noticed you stopped taking your meds. Can I have them?
Hurricane preparedness tip: 1. Buy several kegs of beer 2. Drink beer 3. Wait for flooding 4. Drop kegs in water 5. Float to safety....
So.. who else is sleeping naked tonight?
I hate that they put "use by" dates on condoms... like I`m not under enough pressure trying to get laid already.
My tombstone will probably say, "Dead, but finally sober".
Let’s all take a moment and be thankful spiders can’t fly.
If you were born in September, it`s pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a BANG
I bet genies were a real thing until one jerk wished for genies not to exist anymore.
Bad things happen to good people, so I`m pretty sure we`re all safe
Relationship status: sleeping in my bed diagonally.
Sometimes a special someone walks right into your life and helps you realize how much better your life was before they walked into it.
I ordered a pizza when my wife went into labor. Thad ad said, "buy a pizza, and get free delivery.
A movie ticket for a baby should cost at least $50.