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The worst part about looking for a job is if you`re successful, you end up with a job.
I`m going to get one of those "My Family" stick figure decals for the back of my car. It`s going to be me, a bottle of whiskey, and a pizza.
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug
All the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting up in my truck.
People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store should be called "Spirit Guides."
I think my girlfriend’s hallucinating. She keeps telling me she’s seeing other people.
Yes, bitches be trippin’ but maybe I pushed one.
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.
Life is tough. It’s even tougher if you’re stupid.
I bet someone could get really rich opening a business that untangles Christmas lights!
The toughest thing in business is minding your own.
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you`re innocent".
Every time I lose some weight, I find it again in the refrigerator.
Personal trainer said we`re going to try some dips today. I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese...He hates me.
Hysterical Shrieking should be reserved for truly serious situations such as Centipedes, Spiders, and that Creepy Uncle that likes to give everyone back rubs.....