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I`m so sick and tired of my friends who can`t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me to the car.
I really should learn to say "congratulations" instead of "are you keeping it?"
Never take a laxative and a sleeping aid on the same night. dont ask me why.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very real.
When I hear someone say, "chicken pot pie," I get excited three times.
Why are kids obese? Maybe because Burgers are $.99, & Salads are $4.99.
I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what`s going on and there`s a lot of wine drinking.
Strip search? ... Fine, but I`m going to need some background music.
While wearing a bikini you show 90% of your body -But men are so polite, that they stare only at the covered places.
If anyone tells you, you have ADHD. Pay no attention.
My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel crossing the street.
Can I get likes for no reason?
Plastic surgeons are the only people that actually encourage you to pick your nose.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
I went around the block with my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.