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that moment when autocorrect decides to ruin you and makes a text incredibly awkward.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I can not change.
I hate mixed messages. They`re great.
People with jobs: It`s Friday!!! People without jobs: It`s Friday?
I’m eating just in case I get hungry later
As long as there is an open textbook in front of you, nobody will question what you are doing on your laptop.
It’s called “Karma” and it’s pronounced “Haha, f*ck you!”.
My friend told me he`s going to have a sex change. Apparently, he just wants to eat, drink, and be Mary.
I swear I saw a guy earlier today that had no chin and all I could think about was, how does he put on pillow cases?
Jail is just the government`s way of sending you to your room.
The fact that this peanut butter jar states that it "Contains Peanuts" makes me extremely nervous for the human race.
I saw a comedian one time who did nothing but make geography puns. talk abbottabad act.
I`m returning these Gushers. They taste like sh!t. "Sir. Those are paintballs." Oh. I`m returning these paintballs. Someone ate a few.
Me: "Sorry I`m late. Car trouble." Him: "What kind of car trouble?" Me: "It doesn`t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start."
I test drove a car last month. Apparently, you`re not supposed to keep the car for a month. At least that what this cop is telling me.