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Really had my heart set on waking up rich today.
If we can have HD video from Mars,,, then I should have 4 bars on my phone everywhere I go.
You notice how no faith-healers have stepped forward to help out with the ebola crisis in Africa......
If I`ve learned anything from 50 Shades of Grey, its that women still haven`t figured out you can watch porn at home... for free.
I hate it when chicks wear pink camo. I`m like, "girl" where you hiding? Candyland?
The fridge is a clear example that what matters is what`s inside.
Dear Maytag: Why don`t your dryers have a Fold cycle? It`s 2018 for chrissake!
After I clear my browser history I do a quick google search for things like "feeding the hungry" and "How to thank a loving wife"
I’m glad MTV has shows like Teen Mom 3 so girls have good role models besides Miley.
To be honest, I´m just fishing for compliments tonight.
I hate when I explain how awesome I am to someone and they pretend to not be impressed.
As you get closer and closer to the end of this status, I think it`s important that you lower your expectations.
I`m thinking one of us should probably break the news to the phone book makers that there`s this thing called Google now
When a male octopus finds a mate, he rips off his happy place and throws it at the female octopus so she can inseminate herself. Then the male grows a new happy place. If that isn`t the most epic way to tell someone to go $*&# themselves, I don`t know what is!
I never want to go to sleep less than I do at bed time.